When Valentine's Gifts Go Wrong

If you're hoping to surprise someone later, take heed of Ms Kitty Stryker’s cautionary Bad Valentine’s Day Gift Guide

Yes darlings, we’ve all succumbed to last-minute panic before, allowing the increasingly desperate race against time to lead us into unwise and unedifying purchases. So, if you're racing against the clock for tokens of your romantic intentions, here are our 8 definite DON'Ts for Valentine's Day...

Edible lingerie

Edible underwear is one of those ideas that sounds sexy, but really isn't. Teeth around the pink bits is not generally a good idea! And while a candy posing pouch is ok, sugar around the vagina means you'll be giving your lady love a yeast infection for VD... I mean Valentine's Day. Plus they taste awful.

Cheap Toy Handcuffs

Handcuffs are sexy, right? Yes- when they're fully functional- but furry cuffs are almost always cheap metal handcuffs that don't have the safety feature of double locking. Not only can you cut off circulation in your wrists if you wriggle with your lover's administrations- these cuffs can jam, leaving you rifling through drawers for wire cutters or a screwdriver!

Men's novelty underwear

Does anyone find these sexy? They're like a horrible, horrible joke from Times Gone By, always in hideous styles. Animal novelty underwear is a bit freakish and scary (those eyes!) and ones that say "in case of emergency, pull down" are really only offered for frat boys to give each other. Men should have a variety of underwear that doesn't trivialize their sexualized body as just being silly.

Underwear in the wrong size 

It's so easy for underwear to go wrong... especially if you get the wrong size. Too big and your sweetie thinks you believe they're fatter than they are- too small and they'll lock themselves in the bathroom sobbing about thick thighs, potbellies or hefty hips. Never buy underwear unless you know their preferred style and size. Or just play it safe and go for a gift card.

Flowers or chocolate from the petrol station 

Nothing says "oh shit, is it Valentine's Day TODAY? Was I supposed to get a reservation somewhere?" than flowers or boxed chocolate obviously bought at the petrol station on your way home from work. And anyway, everyone knows the train station has better options.

Jelly sex toys

First off, jelly vibrators and dildos (and other toys) contain phthalates, which studies suggest is like giving your play partner sexy sexy cancer. Eww. And they're porous, which means you can't ever clean them perfectly- so it's never possible to sterilize against STIs or yeast infections. Gross...

Christmas themed toys/chocolate

This is not only as bad as the petrol station chocolates, it  adds an extra layer of last minute awesome by being something you've kept around the house since Christmas. You might be able to get away with snowflakes, but just barely. Don't push your luck trying to persuade your partner that it's just a deer, not Rudolph. 

A surprise (un-negotiated) threesome

I wish I didn't even have to mention this, but an un-negotiated sexual anything is pretty risky. But bringing someone new into things, especially on a day that has been unfortunately built up to be The Day for Romance, is not the best idea unless you've discussed it in advance. And a really, really bad time to try out that blindfold unless you really know each other!

For great gifts of course, you know where to go.